Thursday 30 January 2014

STAR JAWS: “He means business”

Welcome to the concluding part of STAR JAWS

The story so far, is way too unbelievable to even attempt to summarise, just go back a few blog posts and  you will see what I mean…



DR DOOM has got himself a Laser Sword and is trying to amputate one of Spider mans limbs (well if DOOM is following the plot of any of those Lucasfilm  movies, he would be), but what is this we see on the wall?





Yes it’s another sword, which also happens to be laser powered (or something) and lo thus does the clash of titans start, and lasts all of two panels, no striking down and making anyone more powerful than you can possibly imagine here, nope just a hit to Dooms tin noggin is enough to make him drop his laser sword and Spidey is running away quicker than you can turn the page over…





Spidey just appears at the hatch of Marvel Boys still thankfully unnamed space ship and they all escape the Star Jaws, Doom doesn’t really care thinking they will be mincemeat once the Star Jaws eats the earth anyway, but Spidey has a plan…. or he says he does….

Which seems to start with buzzing over the top of the pentagon without somehow being shot down or starting a major military incident…





And then all of our heroes causally enter The Pentagon, the fact they are not members of the military, have no means of identification and are costumed and some of them are wearing masks notwithstanding - they just walk into the major situation room, you know the one with the map of the world and where they chose the defcon and all that stuff and Marvel boy just outright asks for one million tons of TNT

To spare us any undue anxiety the general immediately agrees in the same panel, no questions asked, no what are you going to use it for, no well we don’t even have that much TNT,  no it's physically impossible to store that much TNT, no there isn’t that much TNT in the whole world, I could go on for ages with all the nos there should have been here

Mind being suitably boggled Marvel boys space ship takes off with a huge package of TNT in tow which it drops in space, now Moondragon needs to think hard

Can anyone guess what spideys plan is?





Moondragon somehow makes a full size illusionary earth in space around the TNT and despite this being illusion completely immaterial, and therefore would not show up on any kind of detection or radar device still DOOM choses the phoney earth and not the real one right next door to be swallowed by the Star Jaws…





At which point of course, we get a massive explosion, ironically enough actually bigger than the one used in the original movie (before it got upgraded several times in subsequent “Special Editions”) which somehow leaves the real earth completely unharmed…

And Doom and his Doombots are left floating in space holding onto a bit of metal, I guess running out of oxygen can’t be a problem because their must be air for them to be able to talk to one another…





Marvel boy drops off spidey at the Daily Bugle and he changes into Peter Parker to be met by a still angry MJ, who accuses him of “Playing on the beach”

I don’t know what MJ is referring to here, last we saw MJ she was in the woods at moonlight looking for a bit of romance, no beach there, no sir, maybe we missed a story here, the one where Peter Parker stars in a homage to the infamous Charles Atlas ad? But that is just pure speculation (…or is it?)

And MJ waves a copy of the daily bugle that proclaims that the earth has been saved, as MJ puts it by some “Real Heroes” implying that peter is not one for bravely sending her away while he remained to face the danger of that UFO crash… which was not on beach and mercifully the story comes to THE END!


Next Week: KILLRAVEN VS APESLAYER! 

Thursday 23 January 2014

STAR JAWS: “Attack of The Lawyers”

Welcome to Part Four of STAR JAWS

“The Story” so far…

Is not only too complicated to explain but also totally unbelievable, it is probably better if you go back a couple of blog postings and start from the beginning…

To just quickly recap, Marvel Boy (The Atlas comics 1950s version), Spidey, Paul the Gorilla (from The Electric Company) and Sam the Sesame Street Robot have just taken off in Marvel Boys space craft escaping from (presumably) Hollywood, following behind in hot pursuit are a whole bunch of Dr Dooms Doombots…




Well strike me down with a lucasfilm law suit if all of these space ships now look very very familiar indeed, in the middle we have Marvel Boys Space ship… (maybe we can call it “The Antediluvian Peregrine”?) being chased by 3 flying wedges of cheese (or maybe pie) you tell me, I didn’t say anything about either stars or destroyers, no sir not me

And don’t ask what Frank Sinatra thinks of using the tile of one his more famous songs to title this chapter either!






While we are in the middle of this exciting chase, Paul the gorilla and Sam the Sesame Street Robot find the time to play a game of tic-tac-toe, presumably as a nod to the 3-d chess game featuring Chewbecca versus R2-D2 in some movie or another, I guess that mean that Sam should let the gorilla win

Just as it looks like Marvel boys space ship might get blasted to pieces, he cranks up the speed - all the way to fastest…and they woosh away

I don’t know about you but that reminds of the “ludicrous speed” bit of Space Balls…







Next we have Dr Doom, who appears to be citing the name of a movie featuring Sidney Poitier…

Meanwhile the “ludicrous speed” scene continues as Marvel Boy is unable to slow down before they get swallowed up by the Star Jaw

presumably this was what Dr Doom meant, that they are now literally dinner…




Now we are in the landing bay sequence of that very familiar lucasfilm movie, with Doombots searching Marvel boys space ship

Wherin not only does everyone hide in plain sight in the cockpit, but also Paul and Sam have found time to have another game of tic-tac-toe, I mean really?

But Paul must have lost as he grabs out to the Doombots as Marvel boy and Spidey hit them from behind, nice way of evening the odds there




Next thing we know 2 Doombots are hold Paul and Sam captive and Dr Doom orders them to be locked up

Of course Spidey and Marvel Boy have assumed the identities of the Doombots, don’t even ask how that works, it would have taken ages to take out of that circuitry and even then would the Doombot armour have fit Spidey and Marvel Boy anyway?

Paul “breaks free” and attacks some Doombots just after the arrive in the prison cell area…




But instead of a blast out its a free for all punch out, Spidey gets the keys…

A Doombot bursts into Moondragon’s cell, but it’s Marvel boy, who I guess was not too short to be a Doombot after all, and they all escape (having ditched the Doombot armour off panel) from (finally) some laser firing Doombots




Spidey decides to be all heroic and hold off the Doombots using his web, luckily enough the Doombots are even worse shots than a Stormtrooper

While Spidey fights for his life, Sam, Paul, moon dragon and Marvel boy, stand on a slow moving travelator that leads them into Marvel Boys space ship, at least that is what it looks like




Having webbed up all the Doombots, Spidey makes a run for Marvel Boys Spaceship only to be met by DR DOOM, holding a LASER SWORD - or something along those lines….

CONCLUDED NEXT WEEK: - As we find out that DOOM Mean Business…

Thursday 16 January 2014

STAR JAWS: “The Poisoned Chalice”

Welcome to Part Three of STAR JAWS

“The Story” so far…

Cue some very familiar music...

Just as MJ was about to kiss Peter Parker, a rocket ship containing Sam the Sesame Street Robot crash lands, having sent MJ for “help” Spidey gets treated to a flash back story from Sam where Sam is in Moondragon’s space ship when they encounter a rather familiar space station “the size of a planet”, and their space ship is grabbed by a large hand and pulled into the space station.

The door of their space ship is blown off and Sam and Moondragon are attacked by masses of Doombots and are overcome by sheer numbers. DOCTOR DOOM makes his entrance and unleashes a combined pun / insult at Moondgragons hair.

Sam somehow manages to escape and flies the escape capsule through swing doors ignoring the laws of decompression to crash land on Earth and end his flash back story

Just in time for a bunch of space ships arrive, from which groups of Doombots plummet to the ground, Spidey dispatches the Doombots easily, even going as far as somehow managing to pull a still flying space ship to the ground.

Meanwhile DOCTOR DOOM taunts the still captured moondragon with his his evil fiendish plan, which is to literally use his space station “the size of a planet” which he calls STAR JAWS, to eat the Earth

Leaving our minds blown by struggling to understand what possible benefit could there be in doing such a thing, let alone if its even possible…

Heck, just read the last 2 instalments if you don’t believe me

Anyway...

We start off with introducing our next 2 guest stars

We have Marvel boy (no relation at all to Marvel Man, ‘nuff said), this being the Atlas comics 1950s version (Robert Grayson) who is kind of playing parts of the roles of both Han Solo and Luke Skywalker - but in this instalment at any rate he’s supposed to be Han Solo

and Paul the Gorilla (from The Electric company, probably best known as the co star of Jennifer of the Jungle) as Chewbacca - kind of…

Here’s a video of Paul with Jennifer and Spidey as well...



Anyway... Marvel Boy and Paul appear in to be stuck into in a version of the Cantina sequence from Star Wars

The Frog with a serving tray spouts dialog that seems to invoke Clint Eastwood in a Western in reply to Marvel Boys request for milk

Is the message to kids simply don’t drink milk as its only for babies?

I don’t know about you but I think kids do not need much encouragement in that area (thinking they have outgrown everything already in a mad rush to be seen as grown up)…



The Frog seems determined to pick a fight, so Marvel Boy blasts him with a bright light and THEN punches the frog so hard he falls down and he is revealed to be a man in a frog suit

All the while Paul just remains seated happily eating ice cream...

So kiddies the moral lesson from this page is that it is best to blind your enemy before punching him out, as that avoids all that unnecessary protracted fighting



Then we take a complete left turn as we then suddenly told that some how this sequence is all taking place on a movie set with a lady director- This being Rita The Director, again from The Electric company

Heres a video of Rita…



Quite how Marvel Boy gets to be in one of her movies boggles the imagination…

Anyway Rita prepares to stage “the big fight scene” and calls for some extras and then suddenly Spidey and Sam the robot enter ....



Rita tells Spidey, Sam, Marvel boy and Paul to run inside Marvel Boys Spaceship, Spidey tries to tell her he his being chased by real robots but typically enough she just ignores him

The Doombots then make their entrance and Rita rolls the cameras…



But the Doombots appear to be in destruct mode throwing tables at Spidey and punching Marvel Boy

As prompted earlier Spidey, Sam, Marvel boy and Paul all run inside Marvel Boys Spaceship, which looks very very familiar indeed...


And the Doombots climb inside their ship which has somehow completely changed shape and size from the last time we saw it and chases after Marvel Boys space ship

The surreal seqeunce concludes with Rita admonishing that this was not in the script

Until that moment it wasn’t very clear if Rita’s sudden appearance and this whole sequence wasn’t a forth wall breaking moment and that the revelation was that it is Rita making the movie called STAR JAWS (as lets face it that would certainly explain a lot)

While instead we left with a rather confusing movie within the movie while the main movie story continues, as if Spidey and Sam accidentally escaped into the wrong movie studio where another movie was being filmed

But then the props (the space ships) all seem to be real and actually work!

Quite what movie Rita was making remains unclear and is not mentioned again

What the message here for the Kiddies is, I don’t even want to guess!

The issue of wanting to pretend that movies have real magic as opposed to props and special effects for a young kid I suppose might be understood but then to directly conflict that with a fake movie that clearly shows the bad guy monster is just a bloke in a costume destroys that point entirely…

Oh well, it can’t get any worse can it?!

NEXT WEEK: It’s Ludicrous Speed featuring “The Attack of the Lawyers”…

Thursday 9 January 2014

STAR JAWS: Carried away by Moondragon’s shadow!

Welcome to Part 2 of Star Jaws!

The “Story” So far:-

Just as MJ was about to kiss Peter Parker, a rocket ship containing Sam the Sesame Street Robot crash lands, having sent MJ for “help” Spidey gets treated to a flash back story from Sam where Sam is in Moondragon’s space ship when they encounter a rather familiar space station “the size of a planet”…

And no I didn’t just make that up… even I am not that crazy… well okay not all of the time…




Sam’s flashback story continues as the space station “the size of a planet” produces one of those “win a cuddly toy” fairground hands, you know the ones that normally fail to grab anything…

But let’s be fair can anyone actually explain what a tractor beam is (beyond the realms of fantasy that is) let alone to a young kid

Having been grabbed we them move into a homage to the opening Sequence of Star Wars aboard the blockade runner, as the door gets blasted and a bunch of Doombots attack en masse…




Only to have the story turn sharply left and have a free for all punch up with no blasters at all.  Our heroes are quickly overpowered by sheer numbers and Darth Vader - I mean DR DOOM makes his evil entrance, and he has an equally evil pun to unleash on us (and anyone else who might not be that hirsute)

I prefer to think the pun overpowered our heroes - it is that bad!

For a young kid I guess its a laugh, but is it really good idea to encourage name calling to a young child?! Next thing you know poor granddad is being called baldy locks… anyway…



Sam manages to escape and the rocket goes through a pair of swing doors and into space…

Wait a minute - what did I just say…?!

Yes you can even see Doombots somehow do not get sucked out into space in the same panel as well, I think whatever the laws of physics happen to be, they simply do not apply here

Again to be fair what does a very young kid know about space, probably that it is dark and has stars in it, the laws of decompression are probably more than a few years away

Thankfully the flashback concludes with Sam and Spidey just in time…




for a bunch of Doombots to arrive in their space ships and just literally fall out of the hatch of one of the still flying ships, no ladders or parachutes or even flight packs here

This is presumably why it is so easy for Spidey to dispatch the first group of Doombots with just one punch

Next Spidey webs up one of the still flying spaceships, what good will that do? You might ask…




Well apparently spidey has the strength to literally pull the still flying spaceship he has just webbed to the ground, don’t ask me how that works - I don’t think we are in Kansas anymore…

and just to make that even clearer yet more Doombots just tumble out of the hatch of yet another still flying spaceship, and all manage to conveniently be captured in one spin of Spidey’s web

I guess young kids are not expected to know anything abut gravity either

Meanwhile, the space station “the size of a planet” seems to be developing a rather wicked smile, like a pumpkin at Halloween




Which neatly leads us into the evil plot reveal from DR DOOM, who apparently can’t resist telling us his plan before he has carried it out, even to the extent of pointing out which switch will do the deed

But that is fine that is for the young kid who this comic is intended for

However, let us pause for a moment to consider the deed itself, the space station “the size of a planet” is named as Star Jaws, quite simply because it will eat up the planet earth in its massive jaws 

Where to begin with such a proposition?  

Well firstly let us start with the space station “the size of a planet” being clearly much bigger than the size of a planet, yet somehow being hidden behind earths moon…

And ponder on to consider if these Star Jaws do indeed eat earth where would Doom live or indeed who would he be ruling over exactly

and then maybe wonder what benefit would be gained from eating the earth, is it for energy or just for the sheer heck of it, will the Star Jaws just float around with chewed up bits of earth inside for no discernible reason?

I think I can safely say - mind blown - by any part of this concept what so ever

NEXT WEEK:- It’s the comic book adaptation of the cantina sequence from a well known 1977 George Lucas Blockbuster movie,  NOT

Thursday 2 January 2014

STAR JAWS!

Welcome to Images Degrading Forever!

What other way could I start a project of such a epic and ground breaking nature…than with a short video introduction....



STAR JAWS appears within issue 31 of Spidey Super Stories - a comic made to tie into The Electric Companies TV show of the same name

The TV show was designed for very, very young children as a show to learn and have fun, a lot like Seasame Street, but even younger (possibly) and with Spidey in the episodes



The Spidey Super Stories comic often actually literally adapted some of the TV episodes into comic book form (yes even the above...) as well as having a sort-of very young Marvel Team up being featured, with most of the rest of the Marvel Universe guest starring in one issue or another

These stories was equally “Kiddifed” and aimed at the same audience

One can imagine that the aim of Spidey Super Stories was to be the first thing a kid would ever read

But STAR JAWS was something else, it was a whole issue devoted to one story (which never happened in any other issue of Spidey Super Stories), it had guest stars both from the rest of the Marvel Universe as well as The Electric Company together for the first (and probably only time) and the story was a mash up of 2 movies, not only of Star wars but also Jaws all into one crazy comic!




The best thing then, really is to just present my recreation of this comic and keep the commentary from this point onwards to a minimum 




This is obviously a parody / homage to the very famous painted movie poster of Star Wars by the Hildebrants… the image has been flipped, but we have Spidey standing in for Luke Skywalker and Moondragon and Princess Leia - and….

DR DOOM as Darth Vader! Talk about perfect casting for Doom, as we will see




So,we start off this minor little epic with MJ and Peter in the wood on a moonlit night, and it would appear romance is in the air and or very much on MJs mind…




Peter and MJ even look like they are just about to kiss when a rocket conveniently appears and crashes, yet MJ seems to be rather upset at being sent to go for help - quite what the message is here for younger children is rather uncertain

Still I know enough that most 5-7 year old boys would probably saying kissing was bad or “bleech” or something similar

And that editorial thought exposing any younger reader to such things was not such a good idea, but does that mean mommy and Daddy can never kiss in front of their kids, seriously??!

I think I will leave whatever the educational value may be of depicting a woman being upset for no clearly defined reason that could be explained to young child well alone…




Peter clarifies that this was in fact a date he had with MJ, but doesn’t that raise more questions than it answers for younger children?! That aside, our first guest star makes his appearance - in his dual role of both R2D2 and C3P0 it’s Sam The Sesame Street Robot - who on emerging from the rocket and saying he his “in perfect working order” - launches into the well worn maniac robot vocal trinity

This is where a robot will repeat the same thing three times, usually with increasing volume or stress in vocalisation, ranging from the Daleks with “Exterminate” to Robby the Robot with “Danger”

But luckily enough before we wonder if this mean Sam wants to take over the world, a caption assures us that it was just the crash landing that shook Sam up and is  all in fine by the next panel…




Now we go into a flashback, which is obvious enough to us older comic book readers, but possibly not that well explained for younger children, still we get a picture of Sam in a caption to explain it is him who is telling the story

For younger kids the fact that sam can take rides in a spaceship or that Moondragon had a spaceship to offer a ride in would be fine no questions there

For us or even anyone who had read any of Moondragons previous adventures would be rather perplexed at the leap of imagination required that she would be flying in a space ship with Sam the Robot from Sesame Street but that is only the start of many such leaps…




As the story now stars to obviously mine the Star Wars universe with “a space station as big as a planet”… Which remains thankfully unnamed - Fatality spheroid anyone?!

Meanwhile all the kids will do is (quite rightly) say WOW!

NEXT WEEK:- Dr Doom makes his debut and unveils his evil plot!